Unsteady

Well, the title speaks for itself. I just suck at life. Plain and simple. 

Why does it feel like everyone has an issue with me? I must be the problem. Psychologically speaking, I’ve felt like losing it again. I hate this feeling. Am I going to live like this for the rest of my life? Might as well end it, right?

How can I explain this? Hmmm. It’s a lot of things actually. You see, I’m gay. A trying-hard-to-be-discreet-but-fails-miserably type of gay. I admitted it to some people but in my workplace, nope. In other places, also no. Where am I going with this? Well, that’s one problem. Next, I have low self-esteem, like six-feet-below-the-ground low. Other problems may just be a chain reaction from the low self-esteem thing. If you don’t love yourself, don’t expect to get it from others. In fact, you’ll get the opposite, a lot. When you don’t know how to properly present yourself, you’ll be the laughingstock wherever you are. It doesn’t help that you’re too self-conscious, afraid of public places, social interactions and just being outside your home in general.

I can be very perceptive of what others think of me. I know when people talk bad things about me, or when they make fun of me. And I hate myself for not being able to suck it up at times, to be professional and objective about it. I hate myself because I let others just step on me and make me feel like I can’t do anything right. I hate the rollercoaster of emotions I experience whenever I feel like I’m being ridiculed and embarrassed. At first, I try to ignore, then I become angry at them and giving them death stares, then anger turns into self-loathing. I am the problem, that’s why they are making fun of me. I’m inadequate, dysfunctional, abnormal, crazy. Why am I still here?

I must be going nuts. Even I cannot understand why I am like this. I shouldn’t put too much expectation on people to understand it either. Again, I’m being too sensitive and this is not bullying. Shame on me. I’m a bad person.

Fragmented thoughts, incoherent as they may seem. It just difficult to fully express what all of this is.

I battle not only my own demons, but other people’s demons as well. I battle silently as I get maligned every single day — on my commute to work, at work, on my commute home. It takes a lot out of me already, for I am my own army. I would’ve done the big S word if it weren’t for my family. There is dilemma when you know you’re a living casualty, a pestilence to others, but even if you achieve death, you’ll cause more harm than good to the people close to you. What to do, what to do? I feel like I’m in purgatory. Not dead, but not living either.

I really wish someone has the exact pain I’m feeling, not because I want them to suffer too, but to know how they cope with it all.

Oh well, I’ll just have to sleep this thing through. A temporary recluse for my weary heart.